Am I a bad person?

I'm fantising about one of my best female friends whilst my boyfriend is in europe- this is the first time iv thought about someone else specifically since he has been gone.
But omg..... i want her, and i'm seeing her tonight
I know we will probabaly make out and bump and grind, thats what we do- people expect it of us
Andy doesn't mind it

but i really want her

i keep fantisisng about the things i want to do to her

i am a bad bad person

"I take it you're not coming online tonight"

What sort of lame statement is that? At 12 am when it must be about 1 am his time.
"I take it you're not comming online tonight"
In no circumstances is that not a statement brimming with a sense of the passive agressive, it's the question that isn't really a question. A statement. A point of fact. Designed for the soul purpose of reminding the accused that they did infact promise an act that they did not perform. The eppifany of femminin manlipulation.
It is something said by those who do not dare make an outright statement and instead hide in the shadows, the nuances and subtlties of the human language. Hoping that he will not grasp your intent but subconciously sense that he is in trouble, and so interpret that as he has done something wrong.
It is for those who doubt themselves. Doubt their right to make a stand, their standing with his peers, the strength of their boyfriends attraction to them to overlook these occasional outbursts.
And I am one of those.

I know that he is crazy over me and that i need not worry. But i doubt my right, my right to be annoyed over this. My own logic tells me that i am expecting too much, that i am being clingy, annoying. That were I dating myself i would have been driven crazy by this now.
My emotions say I'm annoyed - bloody annoyed.

I am a vessel containing a cold war. Perhaps even an active one.
My logic and emotions are conflicting, even my logic and my logic is doing so. My own understanding of what i consider to be right leads me to hate myself. The composition of this entry encapsulates this hatred and is something that yet again i should, and do, dispise.

I do not like clingy persons. Actually scrap that. I have no problem with clingy persons, just so long as they are not clinging to me.
I also do not endorse controling other people just because you are dating them. Allow me to elaborate somewhat. In my view, people should try to avoid hurting somone they are dating- ergo actions which upset them should be avoided, although this should not be at the price of changing something fundimental to that person.
I.e if someone had a problem with me flirting with other women in a joking manner they could go hang.
To summerise i belive that people should be able to be indipendent people when in relationships.
Nothing confused or scared me more than when my boyfriend asked me if i was ok with him going out with his best friend, particually as we had been dating for only a few weeks and had nothing planned together for that time.

Perhaps because of this i have a severe problem with the concept of me becoming a clingy girlfriend. Someone who ruins boys nights out or gets all bitchy.

So here is my problem.
AO (my boyfriend) is interailing around europe. He previously attempted to talk to me via msn but i had friends over and so wasn't talking much, I felt guilty about this. However he constantly went on about how it was ok as he would talk to me on saturday.
Last night we could only talk for 16 mins but it was ok because we would talk on saturday according to him.
Forever and a day it seemed that he has been insisting that we would talk on saturday when he was staying at doms relitivs. He would text me beforhand and then we would be able to talk.
So, today was saturday. I recived a text from friends asking if i wanted to go to the cinema or do something else, but i politly declinded it because i had "a family thing and i didn't know when it would end" although that was true in reality i didn't want to be out incase i missed AO.
Because it was obvious that I had hurt him last time.
So i clear all my plans for today. At midnight i figured-
I take it he's not coming online tonight.

No text to say he wouldn't
nothing to tell me to not waste my entire day on him
even when i told him that i may not be able to get online he said "Don't worry I'll send you an email then, I just want to talk to you"
No email
No offline messages
No, no nothing

I guess I'm more annoyed because I have turned into the kindof person who waits in on the offchance of some contact from their partner.
Well i say offchance- on the repeated promise that was first mentioned by him on because of no promt by me.
Yes I'm annoyed

But
"I take it you're not coming online tonight"
Because I still see it as a byproduct of what I have become and what I have become is something that i do not even hate.
I pity it, with slight disgust

The Vatican will now excommunicate Female Priests and the bishops who ordane them.
The church said it cannot change the rules banning women from the priesthood because Christ chose only men as his apostles. Church law states that only a baptized male can be made a priest.

Proponents of women's ordination said Christ was only acting according to the social norms of his time.

They cite the letters of Saint Paul, some of the earliest texts of Christianity, to show that women played important roles in the early church.

for more info http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080530/ap_on_re_eu/vatican_women_priests

Quoted from Jenny Cruis

As you can probably tell from that last one, I graduated from high school in the sixties. Today it seems absurd that marriage would be a life goal for a woman, but anyone who was around for the pre-Lib days can tell you that the worst thing anyone could say about a woman back then was that she was an Old Maid. It was one step down from Whore because at least whores had men asking to spend time with them. When I got married six weeks before I turned twenty-two, my entire family heaved a sigh of relief. Close call.

The madness that defined women's lives back then was based on four Big Lies:

A woman wasn't a real woman until she was married.
A woman had to distort herself and deny her own identity in order to catch a man to marry. (Remember girdles, spike heels, inane laughter, playing dumb, and flunking math?)
Any husband was better than no husband.
Staying in a bad marriage was better than divorce because God forbid a woman should be unmarried again once she'd finally achieved the goal.

Well here it is again, that urge to repeatidly stab myself with the needle covered in ink.
And so i have been trawling the interweb looking for something appropriate should i ever get the balls together to get my first tattoo.

I have always toyed with 3 mains ideas
1. A spiral on my hip
2. Κασσάνδρα just below where my jeans fall at the front
3. A dragonfly on my left breast

The first one is spirtual, the second is my name and also means "she who entangles men" and the 3rd has been a fixation of mine since i was 8 reading "the buttifly tattoo" by Philip Paullman

Well after ruling out the Spiral as something i want to put off incase i suddenly by some horrific turn of fate find some form of more conventional organsised religion and attempt to forget my "devil worshipping" days. (+ the hip is a painful place as it's on the bone)
The second one i already know exactly what i would want if i got it.
Now the third one, well a dragonfly was always an alternative to the more conventional butterfly, but here i am trawling the web to find millions of horrifically tacky girly dragonflys- not one of which anything like what i want.

So that's it, I'm going to have to design this myself- crappit, I didn't take art for a reason.

So after looking at photos of Dragonflys and thinking long and hard about what i would want from this tattoo, with about 5 different drawings on the back of my exam timetable...

.... i find myself sitting here, typing this, Butt naked with a dragonfly drawn in black eyeliner circling my left nipple

Obviously i'll need to work on my drawing skills

"I WANT I WANT I WANT"
"I want never gets"

so true

well i want it hard and fast

and i'm not getting it

Blogging for the first time in ages
why?

well appart from the fact that im too lazy its because iv had too much going on
so much blogging material but its been so complicated and i havent known how i felt meaning i couldnt make a chorent post

pointless having a blog eh?

for this, the whirl of complications going through my mind have no chance of creating a coherent entry.

therefor i shall just copy and paste the msn conversation with AO

the first bit is about a complication between Waffle and a close Male friend of mine whom from now on shall be called.... Tuffty

, Minxi.... says:
if you were in the situation where you knew about somones feelings for somone else
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
mmm
, Minxi.... says:
but knew the other person didnt feel the same, but couldnt tell the person who felt for them why because it would get the person into trouble
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
ye#
Minxi.... says:
and maybe spoil their friendship, but if you dont say something the person that fancies the other person is on the verge of spoiling their freindship...
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
ye
Minxi.... says:
just keep stum?
, Minxi.... says:
or find a way to subtly warn the other be a tad more ...subtle?
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
erm i tink if its gona ruin the frendship u need to say cus either way itll ruin frendship
, Minxi.... says:
ye...
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
like if one person isnt comfortable then itll ruin how they feel 4 the person hu fancies em wereas if they say sumin at least the other person can move on
, Minxi.... says:
true
, Minxi.... says:
then again i do sometimes cling to the hope that this person secretly does like the other one but just pretends not to
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
n if they rlly get tht wrkd up ova u sayin ur uncomfortable wit it then ther nt rlly tht gd a frend r they
Minxi.... says:
hmm
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
hu u tlkin bout
t, Minxi.... says:
i dont know that i can say
, Minxi.... says:
its a bit... heavy
Minxi.... says:
not like they love them or something but its just a bit... complicated
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
kk bt if u dnt tell me my mind cud go crazy with jealousy n worry

So that was about Tuffty fancing the pants off Waffle, all the while Waffle was txting me saying how annoyed he was with Tuffty cause Tuffty was all over him

Rest of the Convo
About how everyone has been telling AO that Waffle has been acting inapropriiatly around me and that maybe he should be worried that there is something going on between us

It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
dnt worry u wud be the person tht didnt fancy
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
n im jst jkin
Minxi.... says:
lol
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
playin on things others say
Minxi.... says:
o0o gossip? Do spill
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
well its bout u
Minxi.... says:
o0o even more intrueging
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
so im suprised u cnt tell
Minxi.... says:
tellllll meeee
Minxi.... says:
i may have a hunch, but if im wrong it would just sound wrong etc
Minxi.... says:
so teeeeeeellllll meeeee
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
well ur hunch is probs rite
Minxi.... says:
just tell me fool
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
seen as it wud sound rong
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
lol
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
sum ppl av sed to me tht the feel awkward by how this person acts round u
Minxi.... says:
ok now im really confused and facinated
Minxi.... says:
who is it?
Minxi.... says:
i dont know anyone who acts differently around me to anyone else
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
ye he dsnt act differently round u jst acts the same as he wud with ny1 bt ppl feel he shudnt cus wer goin out
Minxi.... says:
Ok just tell me
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
lol b4 i do jst confirm it aint my opinion cus i no how u feel bout the person n no ud never do nytin
Minxi.... says:
ok
It's nice to tink ur mum cn 4get bout u n lock u out de house... den u realise its 2 o'clock in da bloody mornin n freezin!!!!!!! says:
bt Waffle

God Dammit im so attracted to Waffle right now, as i frequently am
but a very close guy friend of mine is (practicly?) inlove with him. And my best female friend has had a huge crush on since about september
Not to mention im dating AO!!

Oh curses.... why does waffle have to have that all empowering sexuality.

and why is he always there when AO isn't? now i dont mean emotionally, but when i haven't got any for ages from AO he's always there to talk to about sex, and is just a laugh 24/7 particularly if AO is glued to the saga (games console) and doesn't know i exist.

AND WHY IS THE ENTIRE WORLD DETERMINED TO GET US TOGETHER???
Brown bear has always been fixated by the idea, Mother Mary bought it up after not seeing waffle for two years and seeing me for the first time in about 6/9 months just after seeing us together that one day.
His ex gf used to hate me cause everyone thought that he dumped her so that we could get together
and this was all when i wasn't having sexual fantasies with him as the main star!!

Oh dear.....

to all of you that don't know (i.e all of you)
yesterday on easter Sunday i set fire to my families brand new kitchen
ironically i wasn't even cooking anything (well apart from flame grilling the household that is)

i put a wooden tray on-top of the UNLIT hob but some how managed via that to explode the glass hob and set fire to the kitchen
the extractor fan was also on so the smoke alarm didn't go off meaning that there was a very real risk i could have killed everyone in the house

these are some pics of the hob

and this is the kitchen it took us 9 months to coerce the fitters into finishing and that we still havent finished paying for.
DEFIANTLY on the top ten list of idiotic things i have done.